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MLS Owners: Deloitte is right; we were wrong

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In a stunning turn of events, the Deloitte pro/rel study has put an end to 20-plus years of closed-division dominance by Major League Soccer.

MLS: MLS WORKS-Colorado Rapids All-Star Community Day Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

“My God, this changes everything.”

Those were the words of MLS Commissioner Don Garber this morning when he spoke to the press about a groundbreaking Deloitte study on promotion and relegation that was published last night.

“I used to look at #ProRelForUSA every morning when I first came into the office,” said Garber, shaking his head. “At the time I thought it was good to start the day off with a bit of comedy, but now I just don’t see how I could have been so blind.”

With the release of the Deloitte study, Garber and the group of MLS team owners that he answers to decided to fundamentally change the structure of the league. When asked about the new direction, Garber said that the details of the plan had not been finalized but that he and his team were looking all over for just the right Football Manager 2017 mod to base their new system on.

MLS spokesperson Dan Courtemanche released a joint statement from league ownership declaring in part that the owners would be firing their existing financial advisers and engaging Deloitte as their sole consultant.

In related news, Twitter stock dropped to an all-time low today with the shocking news that there has not been a #ProRelForUSA tweet for over 10 minutes.

Editor’s Note: The preceding is a work of satire. There’s no way you didn’t know. Right? Right?