While you have been sleeping, the Sacramento Republic FC Biological Science Division has been hard at work pushing the boundaries of both science and USL roster rules. After receiving an anonymous tip, ICS contributor Evan Eyster has been hard at work investigating the BS Division, trying to find out what secret projects they have been working on.
Evan released his findings on Twitter on Sunday night.
@Deggsaaay @erynCA @josh_beeman @SacRepublicFC @EvanReam @cam31iwasa Artist rendering of Foran has his spirit animal pic.twitter.com/pfn4EAceXa— Iron Pony Chef (@IronPonyChef) May 30, 2016
As you can see, the Sac Republic BS Division has been hard at work creating a better kind of soccer player. "By combining center back Derek Foran and forward Cameron Iwasa into one player," said Republic BS Division chair Frank N. Stein, "we have created a player well suited to both offensive and defensive roles."
Republic head coach Paul Buckle was unavailable for comment on his new player, as were any members of the USL front office.
However, when approached for comment, some Republic fans greeted their team's new signing with mixed reviews.
"Oh god," said Alan Smithee, capo for the Tower Bridge Brigade. "I won't be able to sleep for a week."
Another fan, who requested to remain anonymous, simply walked away wondering aloud if science has gone too far this time.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Republic are attempting to share this technology with La Liga officials in order to encourage them to create what an inside source called "a seriously overpowered" combination of Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo.