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Republic Announce Major Lineup Changes

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Oh bother.

Palm Beach Zoo Debuts Grizzly Bear Cubs Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images

In an move that could only be explained as ridiculous and totally unexpected, Sacramento Republic FC announced some major roster moves this morning. Even more surprising is that this major retooling comes on the heels of a 2-1 win over Seattle Sounders 2.

Sources tell ICS that tonight’s starting lineup should look something like this:

GK: Smokey Bear

This aging veteran has graduated from only preventing forest fires to also preventing goals. Only you may prevent forest fires, but only Smokey can prevent penalty kicks.

D: Little John

After years of practicing stealing from the rich to give to the poor, John has retooled his talents into stealing from the strikers and giving to the midfielders.

D: Pooh Bear

Why is Pooh Bear such a great center back? Maybe it’s because tackling an opposition striker is as sweet as honey. All we know is that Pooh has quickly taken to being a defender and is one of the best in the league.

D: Yogi Bear

Not only will he steal your “pic-i-nic” basket, he’ll steal the ball from the ever striker that comes near him.

D: Paddington Bear

The journeyman on the team, Paddington is a recent transplant from England who is looking to spend a few years helping lock down the Republic defense before he retires. Early signs point to him being much more effective than Carlton Cole.

M: Ice Bear

Ice Bear will help. The strong, silent member of the group of midfield brothers, Ice Bear helps out in defensive mid.

M: Panda

Overly logical, Panda is the captain and technical leader of the new Republic team and a part of the trio of brothers at mid. Often found utilizing the new Opta stats during halftime, Panda is able to quickly work out how to counter teams with the correct changes.

M: Grizz

At times too reckless for his own good, the final member of the midfield brothers is undoubtedly one of the most creative players in the league.

F: Quail Man

Truth. Justice. The way of the Quail. Hat tricks. Quail Man does it all as the leading striker for the Republic. If flying didn’t break some more obscure so-called rules, he would be unstoppable.

F: Fozzie Bear

Waka waka! A better distraction than finisher, Fozzie is always able to do damage to opposing defenses through world class misdirection both on and off the ball.

F: Freddy Fazbear

Freddy tends to play much better in night games than he does in day games. Freddy is always the threat you never see coming, even though you know he is. He’s also extremely popular on YouTube.

What do you think of the retooled Republic lineup? What other bears should Republic have brought in to play? Let us know in the comments!